From the Toolbox: Listening to Yourself - International Coaching Federation
COVID-19 Resources for ICF Coaches

From the Toolbox: Listening to Yourself

Posted by Aboodi Shabi, PCC | September 25, 2015 | Comments (5)

Core Competency #5: Active Listening
Ability to focus completely on what the client is saying and is not saying, to understand the meaning of what is said in the context of the client’s desires, and to support client self-expression.


When I train coaches, I like them to engage with the question, “How does the client happen to you?” In other words, how does the client impact you, not just as a coach, but as a human being?

As coaches, we are not just charged with actively listening to our clients. We need to be intimately involved in the coaching conversation and immersed in the relationship. As a result, it’s likely that we will be impacted on many levels by the client, by what he is saying and not saying, and by how he is being.

So, while it is true that our attention needs to be on the client, we also need to be aware of our own thoughts, feelings and sensations. This requires listening with more than just our ears and paying attention to all that happens in the field of our relationship. Listening in such a way allows us to notice things which might not be explicit in the client’s speech.

For example, if you arrive to a coaching session feeling happy and open, but notice during the session that you are feeling sad, tense, angry or even achy, it’s worth being at least curious about what might be happening in the conversation or relationship to cause those changes. Of course, you might be “wrong,” but it is important to listen and share your curiosity with your clients—not as the “truth”, but as something that you are experiencing, and that might serve the coaching.

During a recent coaching session, a client was telling me how she had stopped caring and become very cynical about life, and that she wanted to give up her career. She remained impassive and her tone wasn’t changing, but the more she talked, the sadder I felt. Eventually, I admitted that her words had me on the brink of tears. She subsequently softened slightly and began to talk about the pain she had been feeling but didn’t dare to admit to. It was an intense moment between us, and it caused the energy of our conversation to shift.

As I reflected on what had happened, I found myself wondering whose sadness I’d been feeling. Was it hers, or my own? My attention had definitely moved off of her and on to the reactions I was having to her. However, if I had ignored my reactions in the name of remaining “neutral,” then I am not sure that we would have gotten anywhere in our converstaion. My sharing of myself had facilitated an opening in the coachee, a challenge that pushed her to look more deeply into what was happening beneath her impassive surface.

The idea that coaching is all about the relationship isn’t a radical one, but we often tend to focus solely on the coachee as we work to cultivate and augment our coaching skills. It’s worth remembering that we as coaches are in the relationship and are impacted by it. This leaves us with territory ripe for exploration and inquiry. How do we begin to include, and pay attention to, our own sensations, responses and reactions to the client while still staying in the conversation with him or her?

I’d like to leave you with the following question: How might we be holding ourselves back from truly connecting with our clients by not connecting with ourselves?

Aboodi Shabi, PCC

Aboodi Shabi, PCC, has almost two decades of experience as a coach and trainer of coaches and has worked with thousands of coaches and leaders around the world. He was a founding co-president of ICF United Kingdom and has taken on other volunteer leadership roles in Europe’s coaching community. He is co-founder of CTL Leadership, delivering Newfield Network’s coaching program in Europe. Learn more at aboodishabi.com and email him at aboodi@ctileadership.com.

The views and opinions expressed in guest posts featured on this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and views of the International Coach Federation (ICF). The publication of a guest post on the ICF Blog does not equate to an ICF endorsement or guarantee of the products or services provided by the author.

Additionally, for the purpose of full disclosure and as a disclaimer of liability, this content was possibly generated using the assistance of an AI program. Its contents, either in whole or in part, have been reviewed and revised by a human. Nevertheless, the reader/user is responsible for verifying the information presented and should not rely upon this article or post as providing any specific professional advice or counsel. Its contents are provided “as is,” and ICF makes no representations or warranties as to its accuracy or completeness and to the fullest extent permitted by applicable law specifically disclaims any and all liability for any damages or injuries resulting from use of or reliance thereupon.

Comments (5)

  1. Greetings!

    I found your article insightful. I practice this, but hadn’t formulated an understanding or verbal idea of what I’ve been doing naturally. Thank you for a lovely form of validation. I will use it as a light to step forward further.

    Blessings aplenty to you! Namastè.

    In love and light,
    – Candice Cullen

  2. Baljit says:

    What a wonderful blog Mr Shabi. I have been considering these elements over the past few weeks so it’s lovely to read the reflections of another coach about the topic of connecting with oneself. Best wishes, Baljit Singh.

  3. Laila says:

    It is difficult to get out of clients problem.We get suck into their problems

  4. Thank you Aboodi for a thought provoking blog.

    So many times I read coaching blogs that don’t give me any more than I am already aware of . Thank you for providing me with deeper reflection on my coaching and for doing a lovely job at taking me right in to your coaching session.

    I look forward to further posts.

    Linda Bradley CPCC
    awakeningslifecoaching.ca

  5. Teri-E Belf says:

    Your HEARTening vulnerability is a sign of a masterful coach- authentic and willing to be in partnership. This is a wonderful example of being both objective and subjective in service to the client while being real with onseself. Thank you for sharing this so clearly Aboodi.

Leave a Reply

Not a member?

Sign up now to become a member and receive all of our wonderful benefits.

Learn more